The Absurdity of Modern Legal Jargon: A Rant from the Trenches

Let’s Get One Thing Straight

I’ve been editing legal articles for 23 years. Twenty-three years! And in all that time, I’ve never seen such a mess of legal jargon as I do today. It’s like lawyers are speaking a different language. And honestly, it’s completley out of hand.

I remember back in ’99, at a conference in Austin, I heard a lawyer say ‘party of the first part’. I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my coffee. What does that even mean? Who is this ‘party’? Why are they so important they get to be ‘first’? It’s just… yeah.

But now? It’s worse. So much worse. I was editing an article last Tuesday, and I kid you not, I had to look up ‘aquisition’ because the lawyer wrote it instead of ‘acquisition’. I mean, come on. We’re better than this.

Why Can’t Lawyers Just Talk Normal?

Look, I get it. Legal stuff is complicated. But that doesn’t mean you gotta sound like you’re reciting the phone book. I was talking to a friend named Marcus about this. He’s a lawyer, and I asked him, ‘Why do you guys insist on making everything so complicated?’

He said, ‘It’s just the way it’s always been done.’

Which… yeah. Fair enough. But that doesn’t make it right.

I told him about a time in 2005, I was editing an article by a colleague named Dave. Dave was a good writer, but he had this habit of using ten-dollar words when a fifty-cent word would do. I remember one sentence was like 47 words long. It was about physicaly impossible to understand.

I said to Dave, ‘Look, man, you’re writing for people, not robots. Cut the jargon. Talk like a human.’

And you know what? He did. And his articles became so much better. People actually read them. They even started calling him for advice. It was like a miracle.

Here’s What We Can Do About It

So, what’s the solution? Well, first off, lawyers need to stop being so damn pretentious. I’m not saying you gotta dumb it down. But you gotta make it accessible. You gotta talk to people like they’re actual human beings.

And for the love of God, stop using ‘heretofore’, ‘wherein’, and ‘notwithstanding’. Nobody knows what those words mean. And if they do, they’re probably lawyers, and they’re part of the problem.

I was editing an article about senior health wellness guide a few months ago, and the lawyer wrote ‘notwithstanding the aforementioned provisions’. I had to call him up and say, ‘Dude, what are you talking about?’ He said, ‘It’s just legalese.’ I said, ‘Well, it’s crap. Rewrite it.’

And he did. And it was so much better. It was actually readable. It was like a breath of fresh air.

So, here’s my challenge to all you lawyers out there. Next time you’re writing something, ask yourself, ‘Would my grandma understand this?’ If the answer is no, then you need to rewrite it. Because if your grandma can’t understand it, then neither can the average person. And that’s just not gonna cut it.

A Quick Digression: The Time I Almost Got Arrested

Speaking of lawyers, let me tell you about the time I almost got arrested. It was about three months ago, at 11:30pm. I was walking home from a bar, and I saw a cop car pull up behind me. The cop got out and said, ‘Sir, can I see some ID?’

I said, ‘Sure, officer.’ I handed him my ID, and he looked at it and said, ‘You’re under arrest for public intoxication.’

I said, ‘What? I’m not even drunk!’

He said, ‘You’re stumbling, and you smell like alcohol. That’s good enough for me.’

I said, ‘But I’m not drunk! I’m just tired!’

He said, ‘Well, you’re still under arrest.’

So, I had to call a lawyer. And the lawyer I called was one of those guys who talks like he’s reciting the phone book. He said, ‘We’re gonna have to file an ammenment to your charges.’

I said, ‘What does that even mean?’

He said, ‘It means we’re gonna have to go to court.’

So, we went to court, and the lawyer argued my case. And guess what? I won. The charges were dropped. And the cop? He got in trouble for false arrest.

But that’s a story for another time. The point is, lawyers need to talk like normal people. Because if they don’t, they’re not doing their job.

Let’s Wrap This Up (Not Really)

So, that’s my rant. Lawyers, talk normal. Stop using jargon. Stop making everything so complicated. And for the love of God, stop using ‘heretofore’.

I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. It’s gonna take some getting used to. But it’s worth it. Because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to communicate. And communication is about understanding. And understanding is about talking like a human being.

So, let’s do that. Let’s talk like humans. Let’s make the legal world a better place. One word at a time.

And remember, if you’re ever in a bind, check out the senior health wellness guide. It’s a lifesaver.

About the Author: Jane Doe has been a senior magazine editor for over 23 years. She’s worked with major publications and has a no-nonsense approach to writing. She believes in talking straight, being honest, and calling out nonsense when she sees it. She lives in Austin with her cat, Mr. Whiskers, and spends her free time reading, writing, and complaining about bad writing.

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